


It's not you, it's ME

by violetknights



Category: CW Network RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, ME/CFS, sick!jared
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2012-03-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:04:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetknights/pseuds/violetknights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wrtten for macbyrne for the spn_j2_xmas gift exchange. I went with a J2 au H/C prompt. Hope you like it. Jensen hasn't seen Jared in nearly three years, he's horrified at the changes in his best friend. Is there anything he can do to help make Jared's life more bearable?</p><p>Warnings! angst, hurt/comfort, some schmoop and poorly Jared.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [macbyrne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/macbyrne/gifts).



> Note This fic was inspired by my daughter who lives with this all the time. She is so brave and wonderful and never complains, no matter how bad she is feeling.

Jensen couldn't help but chuckle as he watched his niece and her friends run round the circuit he'd pointed out to them. They were taking their 'training' very seriously and he was really glad that he'd agreed to help Josh coach Ali's little league team. He'd just moved back to his home town after finally completing his training to be a physical therapist and was living in his brother's spare room until he got himself sorted out. as long as he survived the three month trial period of his new job he planned to get his own apartment.

Today he and Josh had brought the girls to the park so that they could run and do some training before having a picnic provided by Josh's wife, Casey. She'd had the sense to stay home with baby Terri though, leaving Josh and Jensen to cope with the giggling youngsters by themselves.

Josh had gone back to his truck to fetch the coolers of food and drink while the girls finished their 'cool down' laps. They all adored him and were very keen to do well in the season's games so had been taking their training sessions very seriously. Jensen was still a novelty - this was only his second practice session with them so they were still being spookily well behaved.

Josh put the food down and spread out a couple of rugs as the girls flocked back; he handed out juice boxes and they all started to eat and drink, happily chatting at the tops of their voice's. Josh looked up suspiciously and gave Jensen a look of concern, "there's a guy on the bench over there, I think he's watching us." he said quietly, obviously not wanting to alarm the girls.

Jensen looked over where his brother indicated, there was indeed a youngish looking man watching them intently, "you stay with the kids, I'll go check him out."

He started to walk over to the bench to get a closer look, the guy's face was partially hidden by dark glasses and a baseball cap, he had a few days worth of scruffy beard growth and despite the hot summer day he was bundled in layers of clothes.

"Hi," Jensen said pleasantly, not sure how to start this conversation - excuse me but are you perving on my niece didn't seem very polite somehow. The guy looked up and his face broke into a dazzling smile that Jensen knew instantly even if the rest of his friend's appearance had changed beyond recognition.

"Jared? Oh my God! Jared?"  
"Jensen, yeah, it's me. My mom told me you were back." He didn't stand up though, or pull Jensen into one of his huge bear hugs, just sat there. And Jensen felt an icy fist clutch in his chest, he'd been working in hospitals long enough to know that there was something really wrong with Jared.

He sat down beside him and gripped his friend's hand, "God, man. I've got so much to tell you, I've been back a week, was going to come over to see your Mom and find out where you were living now. What did you study in the end?"  
"I didn't go to college," Jared's smile became sad and distant and he pinched the bridge of his nose as his forehead tightened in pain. "I'm sorry, Jensen but I really have to go. My apartment's right across the street, maybe you could come and see me sometime?"

He looked so broken and just downright wrong that Jensen felt a lump crawling into his throat and choking him. "Of course, Jay. I'm really glad I bumped into you." He realized that he was still gripping his friend's hand and he dropped it with a shaky laugh. "Got your phone? let me give you my number?" and Jared pulled his phone out of his pocket and handed it over to Jensen, letting him sort out making sure they both had each others contact details.

Jared stood up slowly and it was like watching an old man move, once he was on his feet he swayed a little and Jenesn had to reach out and steady him. The moment stretched between them and Jensen felt the bones of Jared's shoulder through the layers of his clothes. Finally, regretfully, he pulled away "I'd better get back, Jensen said reluctantly, "It's not fair to leave Josh alone with the dream team for too long." Jared smiled again and Jensen remembered those years of high school when making Jared laugh had been his main goal half the time, clowning around and acting stupid, just to see his friends eyes light up and the deep dimples appear. Not that it had been hard work, Jared had been the most joyful person he's ever known.

As Jensen jogged back to the girls with a wave he couldn't help but watch Jared shuffling off, even if he hadn't been a trained physical therapist it would have been obvious that every movement was causing him pain.

**********************************

Jensen kept replaying the meeting over and over in his head, he couldn't begin to understand what had happened to make his Jared so different. The first year he'd been at college he'd come home for vacations and he and Jay had picked up where they left off, goofing around and just hanging out the way they'd always done. But then things had tapered off, Jensen had a new girlfriend and gone to meet her parents for thanksgiving, Jared was with his grandma for Christmas and somehow three years had passed without them meeting up. To begin with Jensen had e-mailed frequently but the responses from Jared had got briefer and briefer until in the end he hadn't replied at all.

It didn't mean Jensen didn't think about him a lot though. despite the two year difference in age they'd been firm friends from the word go. Both of them tagging along with their big brothers to a party and hiding in the corner together after being abandoned in favor of girls! Both of them still at the age where they still thought they were far above that sort of thing and were happier to watch the antics of their older brothers and make fun of them rather than join in.

They'd found so much in common that they started hanging out together a lot, both in and out of school. Going camping together, playing basketball or just having horror movie or game marathons. All their favorite things were made better by having someone else to share it with. Even the bad times were shared, as Jared's family struggled to come to terms with his sexuality and Jensen's parents had wanted him to be a Doctor instead of a physical therapist. All the storms were weathered over illicit beers and too much candy.

Jensen missed that closeness now, he hadn't found it again with anyone else. He never had a girlfriend that stayed around more than a couple of months and truth be told he was never that sorry to see them go.

Jensen helped his sister-in-law wash the dishes while Josh was putting Terri to bed, Ali was reading a book before she settled down for the night. He rubbed his still soapy hand through her mop of curly hair and was rewarded by an annoyed squawk. "Okay, pipsqueak? You guys did good out there today," she grinned and it warmed his heart that it was so easy to make her feel good about herself. He knew from growing up with Mac how soon that could change.

He pleaded tiredness and headed to his room early, he wanted to phone Jared, there were so many questions he wanted to ask him. At the last minute he changed his mind, if Jared was sick then maybe he was sleeping or something so he settled for sending a text instead.

good to see you, can I come over tomorrow?

He flipped open his laptop while he waited, to check his e-mails. There was an invite for a party at the weekend from his girlfriend, Tasha. He'd dated her a few times after meeting her when he came back at Easter for his job interview, she was a red hot red head and a very enthusiastic partner in bed but he still didn't feel that instant spark of connection that he was looking for in his perfect mate.

The party was going to be for her friend Sara at a local bar and the band she'd got was supposed to be really good. He fired off a reply saying that it sounded great, guiltily thinking he ought to call her but he really was tired and he didn't think he'd have the energy for a blow by blow account of her day at the nail salon.

He took out his contacts and rubbed his eyes, he wondered again about Lasik but still wasn’t sure if he trusted the procedure. Still his eyes killed when he took his lenses out at night so maybe when he had his first paycheck he could start saving up and checking out the options. Jensen settled on the bed and tried to remember the last time he'd actually seen Jared, guiltily wishing he'd made more of an effort to stay in touch. They had been so close, had been more than friends really, Jared's easy habit of

His phone jingled on the night stand and he grabbed it up, his belly warming when he saw that the reply was from Jared.

Cool - no.9 - bring donuts

That made Jensen really grin, his friend had always been a bottomless pit as far as any food was concerned but donuts had been his favorite. Most of his teenage traumas and tantrums had been overcome by the pair of them hiding out in the pool house that they'd commandeered as a den, eating donuts until they thought they'd be sick. Even back then they'd been so sure of what they were going to do, changing the world a piece at a time.

Jensen had always wanted to be hands on, that's why physical therapy had appealed to him so much. Jared though had been more interested in how things worked, what made people tick. His plan had been to become a child psychologist or a play therapist, working with damaged children to help them get back on track. It saddened Jensen to think something had stopped his friend from fulfilling his dream.

*****************************

 

Jensen was afraid to get to Jared's place too early, he wanted to be on the doorstep at seven, was so full of questions ready to bombard him with that he'd hardly slept. As it was he made himself go for a run to calm down, showering and getting himself round to 'world O' donuts' to collect a huge selection box just after nine. He made himself wait in the truck until ten, figuring that had to be plenty late enough; it had always been him who had problems getting up in the morning anyway, not Jared.

He rang the doorbell and called Jared's name but got no response. Weird, he thought, maybe Jared had meant him to come later, he tried the bell again and waited outside the door to Jared's apartment, he didn't know what to think but he felt disappointment crash over him like a wave, rising up to block his throat with a queasy lump. Just when he was about to give up and leave his phone jingled and he checked the text message.

key under plant

And just like that his heart soared again. The only plant in the shared hallway of the apartment block was a half dead Peace lily in the window sill so he checked and sure enough there was the key. He let himself in to the apartment and looked around. The living room was large and open, dominated by a huge couch, the curtains were all closed and the room was silent. That in itself was strange, Jared had always surrounded himself with noise, music or the TV blaring at all times of the day or night.

"Jay?" he called softly, as he walked on in. "Through here," came the weak response and Jensen plonked the donuts on the coffee table and headed up the hall to find Jared's bedroom. The room was dark, blackout blinds shaded the windows, Jared was just a dim figure lying huddled in the bed.  
"Sorry," he murmured. "I overdid it yesterday, when I realized it was you in the park I stayed out way longer than I should have."

"Oh God,Jay! what the fuck is wrong with you? " Jensen couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth, he was horrified at the changes three short years had wrought in his once lively and vibrant best friend.

"My head's okay today, you can open the blinds if you like?" Jared suggested so Jensen did as he was told, finally retuning to perch himself on the edge of the bed. Jared had pulled himself upright now but he still slumped against the pillows and he was panting with the effort it had cost him.

"Is this okay? does it hurt you? God, Jared I'm so sorry." Jensen knew he was babbling, he was supposed to be a trained professional for goodness sake, illness wasn't supposed to upset him like this.

"Why? You didn't do anything," Jared smiled. "Did you bring my donuts?"  
Jensen nodded dumbly.  
"Good, I don't always feel like eating but I really fancy jelly donuts today for some reason. Probably because they make me think of you."  
"Can I do anything? is this . . ? I mean, are you . . ?" He was choked again by the lump in his throat, his mind going to all sorts of terrible places.  
"Jen, breathe okay? I'm just sick, not dying. I promise." Jared reached out and squeezed his arm. "And yeah there is something you can do for me, you can get my shaving stuff and get rid of this for me, I don't like to ask my mom and my arms are aching too bad for me to reach up at the moment." He scratched his fingers through the scruff of beard on his chin.

Jensen felt dizzy with relief at Jared's words. "Yeah, he grinned, "not that you're not rocking the hobo chic there but I always preferred you fungus free!" and he was delighted too hear Jared laugh, soft and free and suddenly it felt like they'd never been apart.  
"Mornings can be really hard, it takes me a long while to get going," Jared admitted, "but if you could help me shave I can come into the sitting room and we can eat, yeah? I'm longing to hear what you've been up to."

Jensen filled a basin with warm water as he found the Jared's shaving stuff. When he got back to the bedroom he found that Jared was sitting up, he'd swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pulled on a pair of sweat pants. He looked exhausted by the effort, his eyes closed as he breathed slowly. The T-shirt he was wearing hun too loose on his frame, he'd obviously weight and Jensen could see the sharp curve of Jred's collar bones standing out to harsh. His skin pale against the dark fabric of the shirt. Carefully Jensen set the basin down and took Jared's chin in his hand, kneeling in front of his friend as he began to work the foam into his cheeks.  
"tell me if I hurt you, okay? Does this feel alright?"  
"You're fine, Jen. It's . . . you can't hurt me just by doing that, okay? It feels nice actually."  
Reassured by his friend's words Jensen got to work, sliding the safety razor carefully through the foam and rinsing the blade in the water. When he'd finished he patted Jared's face dry and inspected his handiwork. " Not bad," he said critically, "a definite improvement I think."

Jared rubbed his hand across his jaw, "feels much better" he agreed. "My mom comes out every couple of days when I'm not so good but I hate to ask her to do more for me than she does already." Jensen can see goose bumps rising on his friends arms and without really thinking he leans forward and absently runs his hands briskly up and down them, using friction to try and warm him. "You're cold," and Jared's laugh is strangely shaky. "always," he concurred, "when I'm not totally overheating and sweating my ass off." Abruptly he pulled away, grabbing clothes from a chair and heading towards the bathroom.

"Go on, go make coffee to go with the donuts, I'll be through in a minute, I have the decaff', white and two but there's proper coffee in the cupboard above the kettle if you want it."

Jensen does as he's told and is sitting on the monster couch waiting and sipping his coffee by the time Jared comes in. He's wearing layers again now, topped with a dark green fleecy sweater that looks soft and cozy.  
"Awesome," Jared snagged a jelly doughnut from the box as he made his way to the couch and began to eat it slowly. Something about the careful deliberation in the way Jared eats gets to Jensen like nothing before. Jared . . . his Jared would have disappeared the thing in two bites without coming up for air; his Jared, on a dare from Chad had eaten six jelly donuts whole without stopping. His Jared was larger than life, loud and exuberant, not this quiet shadow.

Jared face fell under Jensen's scrutiny, "It was nice of you to stop by," he said softly. "I'm glad you're doing okay."  
"Hey, dude, I'm going nowhere just yet, we haven't even begun to catch up, my new job doesn't start till Monday so you're not going to get rid of me before then!"  
"Really, because . . . some people can't deal with me being sick, they want me back the way I was before."

"hey," Jensen was disturbed by the way the light had gone out in Jared's eyes, he slumped back against the couch cushions looking small and defeated and Jensen couldn't help himself but reach out, pulling his friend closer helping him to settle so that his head was resting on Jensen's shoulders. "I'm not some people, okay? I've just found you, and I know I was a shitty friend and I should have pushed harder when we lost touch but I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere."

Jared shivered in Jensen's arms then fell still, "Please don't make me promises you don't know you can keep."  
"Okay, dude, this is getting heavy, drink your coffee and then you can tell me what this is all about, yeah?"  
Jared rubbed his hand across his face. "you're right, it's just . . . blame it on the illness okay? It makes me a bit emo' sometimes."

Jensen waited patiently as Jared finished his drink and settled himself back again. "So it's hard to know where to start really," he said softly. "Believe it or not I'm having a good phase right now, bad days I can't get out of bed, really bad days I can't even feed myself. The worst time I spent three weeks in hospital on a drip but thatw as a while ago, I like to hope maybe I'm starting to get better."

"oh Jared," Jensen said softly, wishing he'd known, wishing he could have been with his friend while he went through this.  
"I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me," Jared protested. "I don't want your pity."  
"No, Jared, fuck! man, I wish I'd been here for you that's all."  
"I didn't want you here," Jared said softly. "That's why I stopped writing to you and stuff."  
"Oh Jay!"  
"It's okay, Jen. Really it is, you sounded so happy, you were doing so well at college. I didn't want you to get distracted or worried about me."  
"Idiot," Jensen said fondly, "We're BFF's. you can't get rid of me that easily."  
"Yeah, well.”Jared sighed tiredly. “when this all started I had a boyfriend, do you remember Milo? He couldn't handle me being sick and eventually he got bored and found someone else. All my friends were busy, doing school stuff, having lives. I'm used to being lonely now, I guess. But I don't think I could take getting close to you and then losing you all over again."

"Jay, that's crappy, I'm sorry you had to go through all that on top of being sick, I don't know if it was brave or stupid of you to push me away before but I'm back now, I swear, Jay. I'm going nowhere."

"Thank you." Jared slumped back into the cushioned corner of the couch, he looked drained and worn, he skin had taken on a greyish cast and the dark circles under his eyes almost looked like bruises. He bit his lip as he admitted “Jensen I'm really tired,"  
Jensen shuffled further along the couch where he lifted Jared's feet up into his lap and began to rub them softly, "just rest for a while, I can stay all day, we can talk more later."  
"k. thanks, Jensen. . . .” His eyes fluttered closed, as he gave a soft little sigh as Jensen continued his gentle massage. “Jen. I missed you."

Jensen sat and watched Jared doze for a little while and then found himself yawning uncontrollably, he hadn't slept too well the night before in his concern for his friend so now he figured he might as well catch up on some rest himself. She rearranged himself in his corner of the couch and closed his eyes. He realized how comfortable it was and guessed it had been bought specially so Jared would have an alternative to being in bed all day. He was reassured by Jared's promise that he wasn't dying but still was concerned about what was actually wrong with him.

 

Jensen wasn't sure how long he slept but when he woke up Jared was already awake and watching him with an amused smile on his face. Jensen rubbed his eyes and tried to blink the gritty feeling out of his contacts as he ran his fingers back through his hair, "sorry," he muttered, and Jared chuckled. "S'cool, makes a nice change for it not to be me conking out everywhere. That's how this started you know, I even fell asleep in school a few times. Got sent home more often than I stayed in the end."  
"What is it?" Jensen asked and Jared slid over a fresh mug of Coffee, " here I made these while you were dreaming sweet dreams judging by the cute little noises you were making!"  
"Shut up, I was not!" Jensen retorted then softened his tone.

"Every time I ask you avoid the issue. I'm not going to be scared off by whatever it is, okay. You can trust me to be cool with it."  
"It's not that . . . it's, well I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, okay? It used to be called ME and a lot of people have a problem with it. I . . . I don't talk to my Dad any more, he thinks all I need is to pull myself together and try a bit harder." Jared swallowed and looked away, fiddling with his coffee then making an elaborate show of choosing another doughnut.

Jensen reached out and took his hand, "Oh man, what you've been through. Actually I know a little bit about it. My room mate did his final dissertation on it, he was an Occupational Therapy major. I know it's real, Jay but I know what a struggle it can be to even get a diagnosis."

"Yeah, it was tough to start with but we lucked out with the Doctor I got referred to, I had a heart murmur but it was just part of the pattern, nothing serious but it was that made them start taking it seriously."

"Oh man," Jensen shook his head, he realized he was still clutching Jared's hand but couldn't bring himself to release it.  
"Hey, Jensen, it's cool. I'm one of the lucky ones, really. The younger you are when you get it the better your chances of growing out of it." He raised Jensen's hand up slowly to his lips and for a second he thought his friend was going to kiss it. Abruptly though Jared dropped it and picked up his doughnut again. "Can that be it for questions now, please? I don't like to talk about it when I've only just got you back. Can we talk about other stuff instead?"

"sure," Jensen agreed, just promise that you'll tell me if you need anything or you're uncomfortable or whatever, Yeah? no being all heroic and suffering bravely on my watch, got it?"

Got it, Jared agreed, "wanna put a movie on? I've got that remake of My bloody Valentine we could watch, see if it's as good as the original?"  
Jensen laughed, despite how much things had changed suddenly it all felt just the same.


	2. Chapter 2

Jensen felt guilty as he drove to pick Tasha up on Saturday night, he hadn't managed to make time to see her at all during the week, he'd been having too much fun hanging out with Jared. His friend had seemed to rally, his joy at having Jensen back in his life giving him back some of his old sparkle. The previous day they'd managed to go to the diner on the corner of Jared's block and have lunch. Not a major thing for Jensen before but he was just beginning to realize how huge it was for Jared.

He had left with plenty of time to spare but heavy traffic and a dodgy set of traffic lights that refused to change meant he was a few minutes late by the time he arrived at Tasha's. The red head was obviously annoyed, tossing her hair and bitching him out as she got into the truck. She was looking stunning though, the party had a Cowboy theme and she was wearing a miniscule Denim skirt with white cowboy boots and hat, a tight white shirt tied high beneath her breasts. Jensen poured on the flattery and by the time they reached the party she was more or less placated.

He didn't really know many people at the party, it was amazing how much difference a few years away meant. This hadn't been the crowd he'd hung out with before anyway, these girls were younger than him and had all been cheerleaders. Ironic really, he hadn't really had much time for girls, when he wasn't hanging out with Jared his friends had been musicians and artists, now these girls were practically the only people here he knew. It was kind of boring without Jared or anyone to talk to but he was content to drink soda and watch his girlfriend dance with her friends as the band prepared for their set.

The two front men were an interesting looking pair, about his age or maybe a little older, something about the level of wear on their cowboy hats suggested they were real Texan cowboys rather than just playing at it for the night. When they started to play Jensen was awestruck, he couldn't wait to tell Jared about how brilliant they were. He knew his friend would have loved them and wished whole heartedly that Jared had been able to come with him.

Tasha finally gave up dancing and made her way over to Jensen's table with Sara, the birthday girl and a couple of others. They'd been drinking violently colored cocktails for most of the evening so far but they brought a pitcher of beer and some glasses with them now. They chatted loudly as they drank and Jensen wished they would just shut up for a minute and let him listen. The band really was good, the dark haired cowboy was doing a solo now, his voice gravelly and soft, a song that sent chills up Jensen's spine. He couldn't help but think about Jared again as the man wistfully demanded a fast car, wanting to drive to outrun his problems. He wished that he could do the same for Jared, whisk him off and take him far, far away to a place where he could be strong and well again.

Jensen hadn't even realized that he'd voiced the thought aloud until Tasha started screaming at him. "Jared, Jared, Jared! that's all I've fucking heard this week! You couldn't be bothered to come and see me once and when you do come you talk about him constantly!" Her voice was shrill and it carried, he was aware of everyone in the bar looking at them, an unusual silence descending on the room as the band broke for a drink.

Despite the apparent upset the girl was smirking, tossing her mane of red hair and Jensen realized she was playing this for maximum effect. He really hated being the center of attention like this. "Tasha, don't make a scene, please!" Jensen said softly, "he's my friend, I'm sorry. I didn't think!"  
"Too right you didn't think!" she spat, "Well, too late buddy! you're dumped!" And she grabbed the pitcher of beer from the table and upended it over Jensen's head, he gasped and sputtered as the icy foam gushed over his head, fleetingly he thought he should be thankful; that they'd drunk most of it already.

Flaming with embarrassment Jensen was dazed as he watched her flounce off with her entourage in tow, he wiped his face with his hand, hoping like hell the beer hadn't got in to his contacts.

"That was harsh, man," a sympathetic voice broke into his daze and he looked up to see the dark haired singer grinning ruefully at him. "We've got a break room out the back and I've got a spare T-shirt; you wanna come and get cleaned up?"  
"Sure, thanks.” Jensen agreed gratefully and followed the man out of the crowded bar. Tasha and her friends were at the bar, surrounded already by a group of men buying them yet another round of drinks and Jensen had a feeling he didn't have to worry about how Tasha was going to get home.

"I'm Chris,” the singer introduced himself as he led the way into a little backroom with a battered couch and a few odd bits of furniture as as well as a heap of old promo banners piled high along one wall. “And my friend is Steve." Chris flung him a T-shirt and pointed out the sink in the corner, Jensen did his best to rinse the beer out of his hair and then changed gratefully out of his stinking T-shirt.

"Thank you so much. God, imagine if I'd gotten pulled over on the way home stinking like that!"  
"So did you deserve it?" Steve grinned at him round the bottle of beer that he was drinking. Chris was demolishing a burger like he hadn't eaten for a week,sat on the couch by Steve, he indicated a wobbly bar stool for Jensen to perch on.  
"I don't think so, not sure, I was just saying that I thought my friend would like you guys and she kind of flipped."  
"Male or female?" Steve grinned as he finished the rest of his beer and Chris chuckled and shook his head.  
"What?" Jensen was confused, "The friend,” Chris clarified, "Male or female?"  
"Oh male, but he's been my best friend since forever and I've spent a lot of time with him this week so I guess she got jealous. She was a bit high maintenance for me."

"Man, I hear that!" Chris said with an evil wink at Steve, "mine can be a pissy little bitch when she wants to be!" Steve cuffed him gently round the side of the head. "Don't start something you can't finish, Kane!" he warned and Jensen laughed as the pair of them tussled, it was a long time since he'd felt so instantly at ease in someone's company.

When they finally gave it up, flushed and smiling, Christian said "So this friend of yours is pretty special then?"  
"Yeah”, Jensen said with a smile, “he really is.”  
"So why were you here with the skank tonight and not him?"  
Jensen sighed softly, "I don't know," he said honestly, "For a while before I left for college I kind of thought we would, you know, be together? But Jared was just a kid, I wanted to give him time to grow up, chose what he wanted without me feeling that maybe I'd pushed him into it."  
"Harsh," Steve sympathized, "But you're friends still?"  
"Yeah, just got back in touch recently but he's pretty sick, he can't get out much. All I kept thinking of tonight was how much he would have loved something like this before. Now it's a miracle if he can leave the house for more than half an hour at a time. He's got CFS and it's a pretty crappy deal."

Chris's face was filled with sympathy, "Man that sucks. My niece has it, she's only twelve and, yeah it sucks big time." His voice thickened with emotion, "What that kid has to go through, you know pain killers don't work right? Odds are he's in pain all the time." They exchanged glances, both of them picturing what that must be like for the people they loved to suffer like that.

Steve looked at his watch, "We gotta be back on stage, we're late." He got up reluctantly and Jensen got the feeling that he would rather be sat chatting in here over a quiet drink than out there facing the crowd.

Chris handed Jensen a CD. "For your friend, the contact details inside gives my e-mail, you stay in touch, yeah? If a gig is too much for him maybe he could cope with a practice session or something."

Overcome by the man's thoughtfulness Jensen grabbed his hand and found himself pulled into a fierce hug.  
"Got a good feeling about you man, come out and watch the end of the gig? You were the only one out there really listening tonight, it's not our usual audience, I think these kids only picked us because we fitted the theme!"

 

 

Jensen lay awake pondering the days events, he was relieved really that Tasha had ended it, realistically it was never going anywhere. He wondered if he should feel guilty for not realizing it sooner. He didn't want to waste any more time on her, thinking instead of the new friends he had made that night, in particular though the level of closeness the two men obviously shared reminded him so much of he and Jared. Of what had been building up between them before Jensen's departure for college.

The last summer he'd spent any time with Jared had been strange, there had been an edge to the camaraderie the two shared, an undercurrent of sexual tension that hummed and sparked when they were together. Before they'd fooled around a little but it had suddenly seemed to Jensen to hold more weight and he found himself barely able to touch Jared for fear he would suddenly spin out of control.  
His reverie was interrupted by his phone jingling to indicate a text message. He looked at his alarm clock in surprise, it was gone 2am, who on earth would be messaging him at this time?

Are you awake? I've made a batch of awesome muffins and I need someone to share them with? Then I can kick your ass at blur!!!!!!

Jared? The message was so unlike his usual succinct texts and what the hell was he awake for now?

Jensen called him quickly, "Dude, what the hell are you doing up at this time of the morning?"  
"How did your party go? Man, I forgot, is your girlfriend there? shit! Did I just cock block you?"  
Jensen laughed at the excited jumble of words, "what are you on, Man? Party was interesting, I cock blocked myself by talking about you all night and she dumped me. Muffins and X-box sound awesome actually!"  
"Cool!” Jared's enthusiasm was infectious, Jensen could practically hear his friend bouncing up and down. "Got an energy burst, gotta make the most of it, they don't happen very often!"  
Jensen was already getting dressed again, the phone tucked under his ear as he listened to Jared ramble. "I'll be there in ten, man. Put the kettle on. sounds like I'm going to need Caffeine to keep up with you."

Jared's kitchen smelled amazing when Jensen arrived, in fact the warm, comforting smell of melted chocolate filled the whole house. Jared looked alert and vital in a way that Jensen hadn't seen for ages. He was a little concerned though, high spots of color burned in Jared's cheeks and there was an almost manic quality to his movements as he bustled around his little kitchen. Jensen sat on a high stool at the breakfast bar and let Jared ply him with coffee and muffins, chatting nineteen to the dozen about movies they'd watched and random snatches of memories.

Despite the fact it was the middle of the night Jared's energy was infectious and Jensen could hardly believe his eyes as Jared buzzed around the kitchen, turning out a range of sweet treats and occasionally tasting and adding things to the pot of chilli he had simmering on the stove top. Jensen resisted the urge to go and help him, allowing Jared to relish every moment of the the energy burst while it lasted, until he saw Jared sway and grab the counter for support.

At that Jensen was on his feet instantly, his arm supporting Jared as he led him, protesting to the sitting room.  
"I'm okay," Jared insisted. "I need to clean up and put everything away."  
"I'll do it in a minute," Jensen promised, "I think you should go to bed."  
Jared's face crumpled, "I hate it, I wanted to do so much more, I don't want it to be over yet."  
"I know, dude, I know." Jensen gave Jared a gentle push so that he was sitting down on the couch and sat beside him. Jared looked so distraught Jensen couldn't do anything other than pull his friend into a comforting hug, rubbing soothing circles on Jared's back.

Jensen could feel the tension draining out of Jared's body, the too thin frame relaxing against him and he was suddenly, painfully aware of the heat of Jared's breath against his neck, the way Jared had such total trust in him that he let Jensen hold him like this. That he was the one Jared called now when he was happy or lonely or in pain.

 

Jared couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, he wanted too so bad, dammit, wanted to make this moment last forever. In Jensen's arms finally, able to pretend for a just a few more minutes that it meant the same thing to Jensen as it did to him. A miniscule shift in the way Jensen was holding him sent arrows of pain shooting across his shoulders and he tried to suppress the pained groan that escaped his lips but he couldn't. And Jensen released him instantly, a flurry of apologies falling from his lips as he helped Jared settle back into the cushions and pulled an afghan over him.

“m sorry,” Jared mumbled. He couldn't believe he'd been so stupid to call Jensen over here in the middle of the night like this.  
“Not a problem, you get some rest okay? I'll clean up a bit now and come over later to see how you're doing.”  
“Don't leave,” God he was so exhausted now all his filters were gone, he figured it wouldn't matter what he said. Any moment now he'd be telling Jensen how much he loved him, how much he'd always loved him and he couldn't let that happen. Soon enough Jensen would get too busy with work or find a girl who was more up his street that that Tasha chick and then Jared would be back to having the four walls for company, but that was the way it should be, he couldn't bear the thought of Jensen being with him out of pity. Even as he burrowed into the cushions, not wanting Jensen to see how upset he was getting he felt a tear begin its pathetic escape from underneath his eyelids.

The bone numbing exhaustion was creeping like lead through his veins, and the pounding in his head was starting up again but sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon. He lay and listened to the sounds of Jensen moving around his kitchen, running the water as he did the washing up, cupboards and drawers being opened and closed. It was nice to hear him out there, better than lying awake and listening to the silence. He could feel his spirits plummeting and wanted to curse, he tried so hard to put a brave face on things and just keep going but he was already too aware of everything he'd missed out on tonight.

Not just being able to go out to the bar with Jensen but before that, the bigger picture, all the plans and dreams they'd made together. He would have gone to college and even if Jensen was a couple of years ahead of him they would have been able to just hang around together. He wanted to have done so much more with the last three years than just have to stay in bed, a prisoner of his own body as its own defenses turned on him. The tears were sliding faster now and it took all he had to raise his hand and dash them away.

“Hey, come on big guy, I know you're going to hate me now but you'll thank me tomorrow.” Jensen was tactfully ignoring Jared's distress as he helped Jared to his feet and steadied him as he stumbled down the corridor to the bedroom. Jensen was right, it was more comfortable lying in his bed and his friend seemed to have the knack of getting the cushions and the comforter just so.

“Jen, I . . . I . . .” His brain felt stuffed with cotton wool, he couldn't begin to formulate the words he wanted to say. Jensen's fingers gently traced across his forehead, stroking down to cup his cheek. “Get some rest, yeah? I'll stay, I'll go sleep on the couch., just call if you need me.”

IT was comforting knowing Jensen was there in the apartment with him, that Jensen had wanted to stay with him and he could feel himself drifting off with surprising ease.


End file.
